WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are mystified that a former reality-show host is not prepared for this, Americans confirmed on Thursday.
In interviews across the country, individuals expressed shock and bafflement that the vast skill-set necessary to headline a prime-time entertainment program would somehow not be adequate to address a global pandemic.
Harland Dorrinson, a resident of Lexington, Kentucky, said, “On his TV show, he sat in a big leather chair and barked lines of dialogue that other people had written for him. I assumed that that experience would come in handy if he ever had to manage an intricate and daunting public-health emergency.”
Tracy Klugian, of Akron, Ohio, was equally puzzled. “When I first heard about the coronavirus, I thought, O.K., here’s his chance to draw on all his years of being an empty vessel for TV producers,” he said. “What went wrong?”
Daniela Kartpin, of Minneapolis, said that the reality-show host’s handling of the pandemic had left her shaken. “I always thought that if the country ever faced an existential threat, the best person to grapple with it would be someone who had abused celebrities for our entertainment,” she said. “This whole thing is starting to make me wonder.”