WASHINGTON D.C. – In a rare display of business acumen, Donald Trump is saving the United States approximately $290 billion by having his name appear on the new round of stimulus checks to American citizens, ensuring that no bank will accept them.
Because only Treasury officials can sign government checks, Trump’s name will appear in the subject line rather than the signature line. But the administration is confident that it will be enough for any reputable financial institution to refuse them based on Trump’s disastrous credit history.
“It’s really, so so smart,” Trump told reporters gathered around the newly dedicated Trump podium in the White House’s recently renamed Trump Rose Garden. “Not that we need to do this — everybody’s just going to frame the check anyway so they can have my name on their wall.”
“But if there’s one thing I learned from Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino, Trump University, Trump Steaks, and Trump Airline, it’s that my name can send you into bankruptcy faster than Mitch McConnell can put a sexual predator on the Supreme Court.”
Although the maximum amount for individual payments is set at $1200, the accumulated value of more than 100 million bounced checks will represent a substantial governmental savings, enough to prop up essential services such as professional wrestling programming and foreign-owned cruise ship lines.
“By keeping this money out of the pockets of the American people, we will be saving the American people a substantial amount of money,” said Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin. “And because the bank penalty for each bounced check will be charged to the recipient rather than the government, it won’t cost the American people a cent — as long as you don’t include the American people under the definition of American people.”
At press time, President Trump had already made plans to funnel the proposed $290 billion in savings to one of his own less-reputable offshore accounts.