HOUSTON, TX—Prosperity gospel preacher Joel Osteen has warned the nation that it is far too soon for Christians to reopen their Bibles.
“We must continue our indefinite lockdown of the Bible,” he said in a sermon Sunday. “If we open it up too soon, it could be a disaster. Just think: if people started reading their Bibles willy-nilly, they wouldn’t believe what I have to say any longer. And my luxury cars aren’t going to pay for themselves.”
“Out of an abundance of caution, it’s important that we keep our Bibles closed as long as possible.”
Studies have shown that reopening the Bible can lead to sudden heart change, reduced fear and anxiety, and the destruction of every tenet of the prosperity gospel. Osteen says these effects are detrimental to Christians who simply want God to bring blessing, favor, and lots of cold, hard cash into their lives.
“We simply can’t reopen God’s Word any time soon.”
Osteen then declared words of victory over himself and his congregation for the next twenty minutes to get the taste of the word “Bible” out of his mouth.
Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” Matthew 19:21
“If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:3
In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ” Acts 20:35
Shouldn’t Christians be reminding Joey that what he is doing is wrong? I don’t mean just a few… I mean like shouldn’t all of you be doing that?