Mike Pence Issues Permanent Stay-At-Home Order To Nation’s Women

Vice President Mike Pence, head of the Coronavirus Task Force, has issued a new decree, saying…

Man In Coma For Past Month Arrives At Church, Assumes He’s Been Left Behind

BACKWATERTON, AR—Local man Rayford Williams has been in a coma for the past month, so he…

Trump: ‘Destroy This Economy And I Will Raise It Up In Three Days’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a shocking speech to the press Monday, President Trump said the libs and media…

Congress Excited To Find Out What’s In Stimulus Package They Just Passed

WASHINGTON, DC—Members of Congress told reporters Friday they can’t wait to read through the massive economic stimulus…

Joel Osteen Tests Negative For Christianity

HOUSTON, TX—On a video posted to his Facebook page Thursday, a relieved Joel Osteen announced that…

Toilet Paper Crisis Solved As Government Prints Trillions Of Fresh, Soft Dollar Bills

USA–As part of a sweeping initiative to help unclog the economic constipation caused by the coronavirus…

Wife’s Prayer For Her Husband To Stop Watching Sports All The Time Results In Global Pandemic

MUSKETVILLE, MA—Authorities have been trying to figure out what party is responsible for the coronavirus, and…

Spring Breakers Arrange Scattered Corpses To Spell Out YOLO

MIAMI, FL—It’s spring break and, despite the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, America’s young and sexy beachgoers have…

‘Joe Biden Is The Best Choice For Our Nation,’ Chants Tulsi Gabbard After DNC Completes Assimilation Process

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The DNC Collective has assimilated yet another species, the Borg King Joe Biden proudly announced Thursday…

Christians Thank God They Can Still Argue With Each Other Online During Quarantine

U.S.—Despite being locked down, Christians are continuing to do what they do best: tearing each other…