White House kitchen staff are reportedly elated by the prospect of cooking “real food” for President-elect Joe Biden instead of preparing the usual corn dogs and Funyuns for the incumbent Donald J. Trump and his family.
“Words cannot describe my relief when Mr. Biden secured the presidency,” said a teary-eyed White House executive chef Rene Archambeau. “We’ve been imprisoned in this culinary dungeon for the past four years, without a vegetable to chop or a fine piece of fish to filet. I never thought a grown man’s taste could be so repugnant and offensive; most nights I just ordered McDonald’s through DoorDash. I’m just glad we won’t have another Easter to deal with — there is no known walk-in fridge large enough to house that many pallets of Peeps.”
“I can’t feel the tips of my fingers anymore because the nerve endings have been singed off from corn dog grease,” lamented White House kitchen sous chef, Alejandro Ortega. “My days are primarily filled with dipping flour-battered hot dog meat into boiling oil vats and opening individual bags of Funyuns and Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos to satiate the incredible appetite the Trump family has for preservative-laden food. The Culinary Institute did not prepare me for such depravity.”
Some, however, worry that Archambeau and his staff may be celebrating prematurely.
“They better not run out of bagel bites and try to sneak in some stupid French fart food while we’re still here!” yelled Trump’s son and human mistake Eric Trump while raiding one of many White House fridges. “Just yesterday, I saw that my dad’s vending machine outside of his office didn’t have any Honey Buns in it anymore — just some ethnic-sounding thing called Gardetto’s. And Sun Chips! What kind of socialist lib-cuck shit is that? Get me Little Debbie on the phone! Hello?! Where did everyone go?”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, in one of his last moves of his lame-duck transition period, President Trump has since barked at Congress today to make fruits and vegetables illegal, threatening an executive order to make tater tots the official U.S. currency if a bill is not passed.
