How Many Unarmed People Do I Have To Kill To Get Some Paid Time Off?

I’ve been with the department for eight years now, and every request I’ve put in for…

Man Becomes Anti-Vaxxer in Order to Avoid Having to Attend Social Gatherings Again

Local man and self-described introvert Blake Crowley became an adamant anti-vaccine activist in a desperate attempt…

Marjorie Taylor Greene Breaks Fundraising Record After Posting Video of Herself Eating Medical Waste and Shitting on Photo of the Clintons

Far-right conspiracy theorist and representative for Georgia’s 14th congressional district, Marjorie Taylor Greene, exceeded previous fundraising…

Chauvin Upset He Isn’t Able to Properly Celebrate Hitler’s Birthday Thanks to Guilty Verdict

Former police officer and now-convicted murderer, Derek Chauvin, is reportedly upset that the most sacred day…

5 Things To Claim 4/20 Day Celebrates Besides Weed Because You Are Just Mommy’s Clever F*cking Boy, Aren’t You?

Well it’s 4/20 again, and all the rubes are getting stoned out of their gourds talking…

New “Fox and Friends” Reboot to be Shot Entirely from Front Seat of Ford F-150

Producers of “Fox & Friends” announced today that they will move the popular news show from…

Frustrated Farmer Tired of People Mistaking His Bags of Shit for Ted Cruz

Chicken farmer Todd Lowe admitted today that he’s fed up with the stream of people who…

Resurrected Christ Distances Himself From Republican Party

God’s only begotten son Jesus Christ is actively distancing himself and his constituents from Republicans across…

QAnon Theory About Daylight Saving Time Makes More Sense Than Actual Explanation

A new QAnon theory circulating on message boards about the truth behind Daylight Saving Time is…

Rush Limbaugh Emerges from Pet Sematary Unchanged

LUDLOW, Maine — Weeks after Rush Limbaugh’s devastated fans buried him in Pet Sematary hoping to reanimate…