We Captured a Lizard Person but We Think They’re Like the Janitor or Something Because They Didn’t Know Anything About Enslaving Humanity

After years of unsuccessful attempts, me ‘n Scooter finally made our way down to Bohemian Grove…

On the 7th Day God Rested, That Means There’s a Way To Kill Him

“And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested…

Conservative Pundits Fly False Flags at Half Mast in Honor of Rush Limbaugh

Conservative talking heads across the country mourned the loss of Rush Limbaugh by reducing how many…

Capitol Rioter Can’t Believe Nobody’s Noticed He Kidnapped Tiffany Trump

48-year-old insurrectionist Mark Fleming is still struggling to understand how nobody noticed that he kidnapped Tiffany…

We Told Ted Cruz His Wife Was Ugly and Now He Does Whatever We Say

Noted dildo opponent and serial killer cosplay enthusiast, Ted Cruz, is a serious man known for…

Wiccan Insists There’s a War on Solstice

Local goth and recent convert to Wicca Willow Bates is insisting to anyone who will listen…

Trump Adds “No Fat Chicks” Addendum to COVID Relief Bill

President Trump added a new addendum to the COVID-19 relief bill passed by Congress yesterday, prohibiting…

We Sat Down With Jared Kushner and Now We Have To Testify in Front of a Grand Jury

Venerated slumlord and accomplished kleptocrat Jared Kushner is a busy man. When he’s not leading the…

Ben Shapiro Pulls Pants Down to Ankles Before Peeing in Urinal

Alt-right conservative commentator Ben Shapiro pulled his pants all the way down around his ankles yesterday…

Local Woman Moves ‘Trump Supporter’ Ahead of ‘Christian’ and ‘Mother’ in Twitter Bio

Twitter user Shannon Nichols updated her profile bio today, moving “Trump Supporter” ahead of her other…