In an effort to take responsibility for the scandal that ultimately led to his resignation, departing governor Andrew Cuomo apologized Tuesday for his role in hiring so many crazy liars determined to sabotage his political career. “I am the one who approved these staffing decisions and ultimately have no one to blame but myself for associating with numerous hysterical psychos who want nothing more than to prevent me from ever rising to higher office,” said Cuomo, telling reporters that he had undoubtedly displayed poor judgment in giving jobs to a bunch of loons who would provide false testimony and intentionally misconstrue his effusiveness as something more sinister in an effort to destroy his popularity. “I made a terrible error in opening the governor’s office to a coven of power-hungry harpies who are so jealous of my success and innate goodness that they’d say anything to hurt me, and for that I am deeply sorry to my family, my constituents, and the great state of New York.” Cuomo added that he planned to spend his time as a private citizen doing some serious soul-searching about how best to exact retribution against those who had wronged him.
