Cursing aloud the moment news of Leo XIV’s election arrived on His phone screen, the Lord…
Tag: The Onion
‘Show Me Where You Make Autism!’ Shouts RFK Jr., Storming Sour Patch Kids Factory
As part of the health secretary’s highly publicized pledge to determine the cause of the disorder…
Trump Boasts About Strong-Arming Trump Into Pausing Tariffs
Bragging that he had forced the world leader into “total submission,” President Donald Trump boasted to…
RFK Jr. Vows To Make Measles Deaths So Common They Won’t Be Upsetting Anymore
Addressing the ongoing outbreak in Texas that has infected at least 124 state residents and killed…
DOGE By The Numbers
Elon Musk, the leader of DOGE, claims the organization’s sweeping cuts have already saved the government…
Musk Signals Willingness To Bid More Than $97 Billion To Acquire Respect
Stressing that he was open to going far higher to close the deal, Tesla CEO Elon…
Trump Announces U.S. Will Relocate Panama Canal To American Soil
Claiming that the waterway will now be called the America Canal, President Donald Trump announced Thursday…
Think Tank Called ‘The Himmler Institute’ Assures Nation This All Legal
In an effort to assuage any fears over the constitutionality of the Trump administration’s flurry of…
Trump To Victims’ Families: ‘I’m Doing Everything Possible To Resegregate Flight Schools’
Pledging to restore racial purity to the nation’s aviation programs, President Donald Trump assured the families…
Pros And Cons Of Ending Birthright Citizenship
The Justice Department has vowed to “vigorously defend” President Donald Trump’s executive order ending citizenship for…
God Locks Heavenly Gates After Spotting Mormon Missionaries Milling Around Outside
Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly…
Fact-Checking RFK Jr. On Health
Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Donald Trump’s pick to lead the Department of Health and Human Services,…