Trump Orders National Christmas Tree Be Cut To One Inch Shorter Than He Is

https://politics.theonion.com/trump-orders-national-christmas-tree-be-cut-to-one-inch-1840268901 NEWS IN PHOTOS

Kamala Harris Supporter Insists Her Inspiring Message Of Something Or Other Will Always Live On

https://politics.theonion.com/kamala-harris-supporter-insists-her-inspiring-message-o-1840180743 NEWS IN PHOTOS

Nation Calls For Letting Biden Rub Women’s Shoulders Again After Seeing What He’ll Do Instead

WASHINGTON—Apologizing for what they have unleashed by condemning the former Vice President’s past behavior, the U.S.…

Trump Declares He’s Healthier Than Ever While Addressing Rally Crowd From Iron Lung

https://politics.theonion.com/trump-declares-he-s-healthier-than-ever-while-addressin-1839926263

Full Trump Transcript Includes 37 Pages Of Confused President Mashing Fingers Against Dial Pad While Ukrainian President Tries To Speak

https://politics.theonion.com/full-trump-transcript-includes-37-pages-of-confused-pre-1839894483 WASHINGTON—Shedding light on what exactly transpired between the U.S. president and Ukraine during a mysterious…

Paralyzed Mike Pence Lies Against Bathroom Wall For Hours After Encountering Doorknob That Looks Like Female Breast

https://politics.theonion.com/paralyzed-mike-pence-lies-against-bathroom-wall-for-hou-1839861239 WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth on the tile floor as he averted his eyes from the…

Tips For Testifying Before Congress

https://politics.theonion.com/tips-for-testifying-before-congress-1839724614 Several recent high-profile investigations, from the ongoing impeachment inquiry to House probes into the actions…

Catholic Priest Stuck In Remote Backwater Town Thinking About Molesting Kid Just To Get Transferred

https://local.theonion.com/catholic-priest-stuck-in-remote-backwater-town-thinking-1839652152 YELLOW SPRINGS, OH—In an attempt to extricate himself from the moribund lifestyle of his rural…

‘Oh Jesus, Now What?’ Says Exhausted Trump Turning On News To See What Bullshit Thing President Did Today

https://politics.theonion.com/oh-jesus-now-what-says-exhausted-trump-turning-on-n-1839478742 WASHINGTON—Bemoaning the never-ending stream of news about the current occupant of the Oval Office, an…

Trump Mortified After World Series Crowd Starts Booing, Chanting ‘Lock Him Up’ At Melania

https://politics.theonion.com/trump-mortified-after-world-series-crowd-starts-booing-1839417630 WASHINGTON—As a chorus of jeers began to fill Nationals Park during Game Five of the…