Stressing that he was open to going far higher to close the deal, Tesla CEO Elon…
Tag: The Onion
Trump Announces U.S. Will Relocate Panama Canal To American Soil
Claiming that the waterway will now be called the America Canal, President Donald Trump announced Thursday…
Think Tank Called ‘The Himmler Institute’ Assures Nation This All Legal
In an effort to assuage any fears over the constitutionality of the Trump administration’s flurry of…
Trump To Victims’ Families: ‘I’m Doing Everything Possible To Resegregate Flight Schools’
Pledging to restore racial purity to the nation’s aviation programs, President Donald Trump assured the families…
Pros And Cons Of Ending Birthright Citizenship
The Justice Department has vowed to “vigorously defend” President Donald Trump’s executive order ending citizenship for…
God Locks Heavenly Gates After Spotting Mormon Missionaries Milling Around Outside
Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly…
Fact-Checking RFK Jr. On Health
Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Donald Trump’s pick to lead the Department of Health and Human Services,…
Trump Locks Bathroom Door So Elon Musk Can’t Follow Him In
Admitting that ever since he joined the campaign trail the billionaire tech mogul had refused to…
Trump Pledges To Use Obscure 18th-Century Law To Marry Daughter
Outlining his ambitious plans for a potential second presidential term, Republican candidate Donald Trump reportedly made…
Heartbroken Trump Clutches Limp Campaign Lawn Sign Washed Away In Flood
Urging first responders to act quickly after he spotted the placard amongst the wreckage, a heartbroken…
Trump Warns Immigrants Taking All The Good Vanity Plates
Appealing to his base with a new line of attack against immigrants, former President Donald Trump…
Trump Trains For Debate By Arguing With Side Of Beef Hanging In Meat Locker
Pummeling the hanging piece of meat repeatedly with profanities and jabs, former President Donald Trump was…