President Joe Biden announced today he will deploy the National Guard to enforce the Pentagon’s vaccine mandate on the National Guard.
“One of the many missions of the National Guard is to assist in domestic disasters,” said Pentagon spokesman John Kirby. “And what constitutes more of a domestic disaster one weekend a month and two weeks per year than the current level of unvaccinated National Guard members? Deploying the Guard to assist in getting them vaccinated just makes sense.”
Since Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin announced vaccines would be required for all active-duty troops, the U.S. military branches have had varying success in getting its members vaccinated, with the National Guard coming in dead last at -7.3%.
“I wasn’t gonna get vaccinated, but first sergeant said I wouldn’t be able to go on this deployment without it,” said Spc. Mike Hennigan, a machine gunner with the Alabama National Guard. “Guess those crafty buggers outfoxed me again.”
Plans for the National Guard to enforce the mandate include issuing each unvaccinated guardsman a Covid-19 vaccine self-injection, a mirror, and a Hello Kitty Band-Aid. The Department of Defense will also provide a colorful cartoon instruction booklet detailing an easy-to-follow two-step process:
- Take the vaccine.
- Sign the damn roster before your commanding officer gets fired.
“State Adjutant Generals will also be supplied with tens of thousands of lollipops and smiley face stickers and battle buddies will be asked to hold each other’s hands for extra encouragement,” Kirby said.
Additionally, National Guard plans allow for guardsmen to vaccinate fellow troops in their sleep, harpoon them from a distance of no more than 6 meters, or turn off their ventilator in the event they catch Covid-19.
“This is some bullshit,” said Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Okla.). “These brave men and women joined the National Guard to protect the U.S. in times of conflict or national disaster. You can’t tell me that a pandemic that has killed 765,000 of my fellow Americans qualifies as a national disaster.”
