Gov. Ron DeSantis recently signed Florida’s “Parental Rights in Education” House Bill 1557 into law amid a firestorm of controversy. The Onion answers common questions about the legislation, which opponents have termed the “Don’t Say Gay” bill.
Q: What does the bill do?
A: Gives the only good teachers still left in the Florida school system the final push they needed to become accountants.
Q: Who sponsored this legislation?
A: Rep. Erin Grall, who once got cut off in traffic by a car with a bumper sticker that read, “I’d Rather Be Educating Children About LGBTQ Issues.”
Q: What about children who have already been exposed to discussions on sexual orientation and gender identity?
A: They are irreversibly tainted and must be eliminated.
Q: Did DeSantis support the bill to help a future presidential run?
A: It’s deeply cynical to think he wouldn’t sign it purely to punish gay people.
Q: Can residents still say “gay” as a slur?
A: By all means!
Q: Could this bill’s passage have ramifications in other states?
A: Texas is admittedly pretty embarrassed they didn’t think of it first.
Q: Is this kind of legislation unusual?
A: Yes, normally it’s tacked onto a spending bill.
Q: Isn’t this a violation of free speech?
A: The First Amendment actually only protects comparisons of minor inconveniences to historical atrocities.
Q: Why are proponents of the bill talking so much about “grooming”?
A: It’s how many Republican lawmakers get their wives.
