With the FBI’s investigation of the former president continuing to heat up, The Onion asked conservatives what they would do if Donald Trump is prosecuted.
“Probably just make lunch for the kids and go about my day. You realize what a small percentage of absolute psychos care enough about stuff like this to disrupt their own lives, right?” ~ Isla Weingarten (Laboratory Technician)
“Get killed in the next Capitol riot.” ~ Eleanor Tibbits (Diving Instructor)
“I likely won’t hear about it for a while, as my husband decides what information from the outside world I should have access to.” ~ Cheryl Brooks (Stay-At-Home Mom)
“Simple. I’ll get a law degree, pass the Bar, become a judge, get appointed to a federal seat, hear the case, and exonerate him. It’s the perfect plan.” ~ Gus Dempsey (Unemployed)
“Probably waste a couple weekends practicing in a militia and then get bored of it when football season gets going.” ~ Earl Lewin (Carpenter)
“I will quickly abscond to rural Canada and live out my days inside of a moose corpse.” ~ Rudy Giuliani (Attorney)
“I would have to face reality and accept that Trump is a perfect, morally upstanding leader and the Justice Department is a cabal of pedophiles out to get him.” ~ Jim Pearson (Plumber)
“I’ll use the pandemonium to kill a few Jews without anyone realizing.” ~ Marjorie Taylor Greene (U.S. Representative)
“I’ll probably text a few people.” ~ Ginni Thomas (Attorney)
“Cry. Just weep for a thousand years. The tears will flow out of me like a long, steady rain. I will climb to the top of the mountain and yell, ‘WHEREFORE MY PRESIDENT?’ I will rend my garments. I will carve his name into my wrists and I will embrace the pain. I will search within my home for any medicine I can take in abundance that will finally absolve me of my guilty life. I will blame myself for allowing the president, MY president, to suffer untold horrors at the long arm of our sick and twisted law. I will never recover.” ~ Frank Chappelle (Park Ranger)
“Kill Jared, kill the kids, and then kill myself.” ~ Ivanka Trump (Businesswoman)
“Well, like most U.S. elites who commit many of the same financial crimes Trump does, I’ll probably start to worry I’ll also be held accountable someday.” ~ Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the House)
“Maybe that will finally be the moment I begin self reflecting, wondering if I’ve been brainwashed by decades of sensational conservative cable news and hyper-reactive online echo chambers into supporting a dangerous psychopath. Probably not though.” ~ Valerie White (Travel Agent)
“Okay, just to explain this for all the shitheads out there one more time: Just because I was in the Republican party doesn’t mean I’m conservative. It is a very different party today than it was when I was alive, and you wouldn’t think you have to keep repeating that to these fuckers, but guess what, you do! I mean, sure, if I were alive now, I’d probably be considered pretty conservative by today’s standards, but times change. Anyway, I’ll probably remain dead.” ~ Abraham Lincoln (Former President)
