After the House of Representatives passed a bill to strengthen the presidential certification process, The Onion asked Republicans who voted against it why they oppose reforming the Electoral Count Act.
“I have one ‘yes’ vote per year, and I’m saving it for the bill where we legalize cannibalism.” ~ Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)
“I just vote against everything. Even if you put a bill on the floor mandating that every American had to suck my dick and give me $200 after, I would still vote against it.” ~ Kevin McCarthy (R-CA)
“I think counting numbers is a made-up crock of shit that liberals invented.” ~ Lauren Boebert (R-CO)
“For so many years, I’ve wanted to see my brother killed by lunatic extremists. This is still my best chance.” ~ Greg Pence (R-IN)
“Being president shouldn’t be as easy as convincing everyone to vote for you. You should also have to imprison hundreds of violent militiamen who swarm the Capitol to kill you.” ~ Steve Scalise (R-LA)
“I think it’s a sort of meaningless piece of legislation that doesn’t really address the underlying issues surrounding election integrity. Also, it still allows Black people to vote.” ~ Paul Gosar (R-AZ)
“The less votes are counted, the better my chance to be elected to higher office.” ~ Elise Stefanik (R-NY)
“I really want MTG to start calling me Bud Light so that it will catch on with the others, so I vote for whatever she does.” ~ Buddy Carter (R-GA)
“If my 17-year-old girlfriend’s vote doesn’t count, neither should anyone else’s.” ~ Matt Gaetz (R-FL)
“I didn’t want it to go forward because I don’t think that a bill on voting rights should get decided by something as undemocratic as the Senate.” ~ Randy Feenstra (R-IA)
“Wait, they record how we vote? Fuck! My constituents are going to be pissed.” ~ Joe Wilson (R-SC)
“I have a special coin I keep in my desk. It has Thomas Jefferson on it. Whenever I have to cast a vote on a bill, I flip the coin. Heads is yea; tails is nay. People think I’m super conservative, but I’m not. Every decision I make is based on the coin, including the decision to never walk again. I love my coin.” ~ Madison Cawthorn (R-NC)
“I couldn’t make the last Capitol riot, but I’m really hoping I get an invite for the next one.” ~ David Schweikert (R-AZ)
“The founding fathers designed our voting system to be so incredibly flawed that it is easy to exploit and manipulate, and it is our duty to keep it that way.” ~ Kay Granger (R-TX)
