In a move that administrators at James Madison High School called “incredibly disrespectful,” 12th-grade student James Grayson was reportedly sent to the principal’s office Tuesday for refusing to masturbate to the American flag. “Today, James decided not to participate in the Pledge of Allegiance, refusing to stand, face the flag, and place his right hand on his genitals,” said principal Francesca Randall, adding that the disobedient 17-year-old instead sat quietly with his arms at his sides while his 30 fellow classmates gladly stuck their hands down their pants and pleasured themselves to completion. “At this school, we respect tradition, and we make sure that every morning we salute our nation when we recite the Pledge together in one voice and, all at once, achieve simultaneous climax. Then after a brief rest we turn and face the Texas flag and do it all over again. No exceptions.” At press time, James had reportedly been sent to the principal’s office again after he scoffed, refused to say “under God,” and began masturbating sarcastically.
