French’s to release bottle of watery pre-mustard squirts

ROCHESTER, NY — Sandra Armbruster, head of marketing for French’s, announced the launch of its newest product, namely bottles filled with the watery squirts that blurp out when people first squeeze out .

“We asked customers for their best memories of our condiments,” Armbruster said. “And the overwhelming majority were stories of fighting with siblings to be the first to spray  their hot dog with  that initial splash of watery, vaguely mustard-flavoured spit. Well French’s has heard you, and now we’re proud to offer a product that lets everyone have as much of that delectable, tangy pre-mustard fluid as you’ve always wanted.”

Daevi Vishwakarma, head of French’s product development, demonstrated the newly-designed nozzle that, when squeezed, always makes a particularly  fart noise.

“This gruesome sound, like a blast of anal wind,” Vishwakarma said, “is actually just the beginning. Depending on the bottle’s fullness and the user’s technique, various spatters can be modulated ranging from a hand-clasp fart to a full-blown case of rotten chicken burrito diarrhoea.”




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