Following the recent increase in hateful rhetoric towards transgender people, The Onion asked conservatives to defend their anti-trans bigotry and this is what they said.
“For thousands of years, humanity only had one gender, and that was enough.” ~ Jeremy Clift, Financial Analyst
“As much as I deny the Holocaust, nothing would bring me more joy than to one day start my own.” ~ Rep. Paul Gosar (R-AZ)
“In fairness, I am bigoted against way more people than just trans people.” ~ Beth Lawrence, Telemarketer
“I’m doing everything in my power to put an end to Harry Potter adults, and I’m somehow the bad guy?” ~ J.K. Rowling, Author
“I have been forced at gunpoint by thousands of teenagers I’ve never seen before to gender-reassignment surgeries, and I’m so tired now that I don’t think there should be any more.” ~ Shana Donahue, Doctor
“What if I am in a public bathroom and I run out of toilet paper and I get down on my hands and knees and reach under the stall to grab toilet paper from the next stall over without checking if anyone’s even in there and I reach my hand in and grab a penis? What if that happens to me?” ~ Alissa Benton, Tennis Coach
“A sixth-grader came into my guidance counselor office the other day and said she thinks she is experiencing gender dysphoria and wanted my advice. Fortunately, I know my rights, and so I said, my advice to you is that you are trying to groom me, and if you persist I will have you arrested. I’d hate for any other guidance counselor to be traumatized and almost groomed into manhood by an 11-year-old like I was on that terrible day.” ~ Whitney McShane, Guidance Counselor
“If the trans community can get to Dilbert, then none of us are safe.” ~ Dana Henderson, IT Expert
“Trans people will only groom children into becoming comfortable expressing their authentic selves.” ~ Peter McLeod, General Manager
“You expect me to not only remember every idiotic thing I blurt out to incite hateful rage among my viewers but also invent some impossible logic to defend it? Fat chance.” ~ Tucker Carlson, Fox News Anchor
“It’s not really so much trans people themselves, it’s more that I’m an unrelenting ball of hatred, and will direct that hatred wherever I’m told.” ~ Cryus McFarland, Distillery Operator
