“Get killed in the next Capitol riot.” ~ Eleanor Tibbits (Diving Instructor)
“I likely won’t hear about it for a while, as my husband decides what information from the outside world I should have access to.” ~ Cheryl Brooks (Stay-At-Home Mom)
“Simple. I’ll get a law degree, pass the Bar, become a judge, get appointed to a federal seat, hear the case, and exonerate him. It’s the perfect plan.” ~ Gus Dempsey (Unemployed)
“Watch a bunch of YouTube videos about what an injustice it is and whine a lot to my wife.” ~ Ray McGuiness (Consultant)
“Probably waste a couple weekends practicing in a militia and then get bored of it when football season gets going.” ~ Earl Lewin (Carpenter)
“I will quickly abscond to rural Canada and live out my days inside of a moose corpse.” ~ Rudy Giuliani (Attorney)
“I’ve been hiding in the walls of the White House for years waiting for this moment. Just say the word.” ~ Eric Trump (Businessman)
“I would have to face reality and accept that Trump is a perfect, morally upstanding leader and the Justice Department is a cabal of pedophiles out to get him.” ~ Jim Pearson (Plumber)
“I’ll use the pandemonium to kill a few Jews without anyone realizing.” ~ Marjorie Taylor Greene (U.S. Representative)
“I’ll probably text a few people.” ~ Ginni Thomas (Attorney)
“Cry. Just weep for a thousand years. The tears will flow out of me like a long, steady rain. I will climb to the top of the mountain and yell, ‘WHEREFORE MY PRESIDENT?’ I will rend my garments. I will carve his name into my wrists and I will embrace the pain. I will search within my home for any medicine I can take in abundance that will finally absolve me of my guilty life. I will blame myself for allowing the president, MY president, to suffer untold horrors at the long arm of our sick and twisted law. I will never recover.” ~ Frank Chappelle (Park Ranger)
“Kill Jared, kill the kids, and then kill myself.” ~ Ivanka Trump (Businesswoman)
“Well, like most U.S. elites who commit many of the same financial crimes Trump does, I’ll probably start to worry I’ll also be held accountable someday.” ~ Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the House)
“Okay, just to explain this for all the shitheads out there one more time: Just because I was in the Republican party doesn’t mean I’m conservative. It is a very different party today than it was when I was alive, and you wouldn’t think you have to keep repeating that to these fuckers, but guess what, you do! I mean, sure, if I were alive now, I’d probably be considered pretty conservative by today’s standards, but times change. Anyway, I’ll probably remain dead.” ~ Abraham Lincoln (Former President)
