Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been making headlines due to pushing anti-vaccine propaganda, conspiracies about health, and launching his presidential campaign. The Onion sits down with the fringe Democrat to discuss his political principles.
The Onion: You’re a Kennedy. Aren’t you supposed to be hot?
RFK Jr.: Now you understand the damage vaccines can cause.
The Onion: What does the “R” stand for?
RFK Jr.: John.
The Onion: Are you the Kennedy who drove off a bridge or the one who dated Taylor Swift?
RFK Jr.: Yes.
The Onion: What the fuck is wrong with your voice?
RFK Jr.: Vaccine needle stuck in my throat.
The Onion: Why are you courting the support of controversial tech leaders like Elon Musk and Jack Dorsey?
RFK Jr.: Because only they understand the need to fight against the American elite controlling this country—vicious people like Elon Musk and Jack Dorsey.
The Onion: You recently caught a lot of flak for saying that antidepressants cause school shootings. Any other batshit takes on medicine you want to rattle off?
RFK Jr.: Oh my god, yes! Antibiotics cause gayness, painkillers cause climate change, sinus medicine is causing the national debt, and, of course, gummy vitamins are responsible for the Holocaust.
The Onion: What do you think might set you apart from other Democratic candidates?
RFK Jr.: Well, I’m just an average, working-class guy who, like most Americans, subscribes to the simple belief that Joe Biden drinks the blood of children.
The Onion: “What do you consider the greatest achievement of your environmental law career?”
RFK Jr.: My work with the Natural Resources Defense Council protecting our rivers and lakes from autism.
The Onion: Do you ever get nervous about the “Kennedy Curse”?
RFK Jr.: I used to, but now that I’ve been assassinated five times, it doesn’t scare me so much anymore.
The Onion: Where do you see yourself in five years?
RFK Jr: Barricading myself inside the White House as the Deep State agents close in.
