In a sign of his growing confidence that he will defeat incumbent President Joe Biden in the 2024 election, former President Donald Trump announced that one of his first executive orders will change the name of the Department of Veterans Affairs in order to better reflect it’s mission. Effective January 21, 2025, the VA will be renamed the Department of Losers and Suckers.
“Given the obvious media bias against Trump, just for telling it like it is, let me be clear this move will only affect the suckers with physical issues no one wants to see, the losers who were too low energy to get out of the way of shrapnel or bullets, or so-called ‘heroes’ who were too lazy to not get captured due to the overwhelming force of an opposing armed combatant,” said the former President and GOP current front runner. “All the hot ones, past and present, particularly that one intel honey that eats at the 82d CAB Dining Facility – oh boy, look out for that one – will be served by the new ‘Department of High Energy Winners’,” said Trump, waving his hands in the shape of feminine curves.
Reactions from across the veteran community were swift.
“He’s on to something here,” said seventy-seven-year-old Vietnam-era National Guard veteran and self-described “real American,” Andy Janklow. “I drilled for two years while completing a master’s in accounting. Vietnam would have really derailed that, there was just nothing in it for me. I’m just telling it like it is, like Trump.”
Former Cpl. Curtis Schmedlap agreed with Janklow. Wearing a tuxedo patterned like an American flag, he said, “Trump is just saying what needs to be said, y’know? Just telling it like it is. You have loser veterans in this country who want something for nothing more than a few ouchies they didn’t do nothing for. Someone else set that IED. Some sniper spent time becoming a decent shot and that hard work paid off. These losers today just want welfare. I earned my disability checks in 1976 when I got hammered and fell off the third deck of the French Creek barracks at Camp Lejeune three weeks after I checked in from boot leave.”
Speaking from prison, triple-amputee veteran Brian Kolfage, said the re-branding was a move long overdue. “Sure, the notion that Trump would call me a sucker for sacrificing 75% of my body for American foreign policy stings almost as much as having my limbs forcibly ripped from my body by a 107mm rocket or going to prison after I knowingly and willingly conspired to receive money from GoFundMe donations I solicited to build the border wall. But ultimately, I can’t disagree, I am a loser. I mean, everybody knows Trump just tells it like it is.”
Even international veterans support the move by Trump to speak truth to power. Former KGB Lt. Col. Vladimir Putin said, “When Mr. Trump says he will resolve all burning issues within several days, including the Ukrainian crisis. We cannot help but feel happy about it. Someone must say it like it is”
Not all veterans agree with the name change. Asked for comment, former Sgt. Alvin Cranston rolled his eyes, the only means of communication he’s had since being shot in the head in Charkh Province, Afghanistan in 2011.
