Kid Rock was announced as the winner of a local talent show that catered to creeps after he recited the age of consent laws for all 50 states from memory, according to attendees of the show.
“When you’ve been around the music business as long as I have you learn to do your research and that is what won me the $50 gift card to Buffalo Wild Wings,” said the famously uncomfortable-to-be-around Michigander. “I consider myself an honorable guy who likes to do the right thing and wait until girls are 18 before letting them Bawitaba with my bawitaballs. For example, waiting for this chick I like to call ‘Hot Jenny’ to turn 18 will take 3 years but she’s worth the wait. Unless we were in Ohio or Montana in which case I only have to wait one year. Unfortunately, a lot of laws prevent me from bringing Hot Jenny across state lines, but I’ll figure it all out, I always do.”
Attendees of the show were certainly impressed by the creeping abilities on display after watching Kid’s performance.
“There were plenty of creep performances that were certainly impressive,” said attendee Heather McCowskey. “Like the way Jimmy Page managed to keep playing his guitar while having that 14-year-old girl he brought with him still sitting on his lap was amazing. And Jared Leto sure made me feel special when he singled me out and told me I was ‘a unique flower’ and then stared at me for 27 minutes straight. But the fact that Kid was able to cite over 80 pages of legalese down to the exact subsection and code from each state, I mean those are astounding memory skills.”
The Motor City Madman and fellow contestant Ted Nugent found himself confused by Kid’s performance.
“To be honest this was the first time I even heard about the concept of ‘consent,’” said the “Jailbait” singer. “I wasn’t even aware there were laws about this sort of thing, though they honestly sound lame and complicated. I say if the kitty is purring then give it a scratch! Besides, girls are always safe with me because I always carry my Magnum with me. And by Magnum, I mean .357 Magnum not the condom because I don’t use condoms.”
At press time. it was revealed that Florida congressman Matt Gaetz was hiring Kid Rock as his lawyer due to his encyclopedic knowledge of all sex crime laws.
