“Screw you ungrateful shitbirds, everyone!”
First Sergeant Thomas “Ebenezer” Scrooge is still a complete asshole despite a Christmas Eve visit by several apparitions who attempted to get him to change his salty ways, soldiers in his unit reported.
“The dudes who didn’t go home had formation on Christmas Day and were told to return the turkeys the chaplain passed out earlier that week. Mine was already cooked,” Pfc. Rob Crachit told the Duffel Blog as he took a break from mowing the dirt around the motor pool. “I don’t know what those ghosts said to him, but one must have pissed in his pre-workout or something.”
According to reports, Scrooge left the company area at 2300 as usual. But things went awry shortly after he arrived at his quarters.
“When I got home, nothing seemed out of the ordinary,” Scrooge told the Duffel Blog. “I had put the chock block and drip pan under my truck, then I went inside and started getting ready for bed. If I don’t get a solid four hours of sleep I can get a little edgy.”
