Happy 4th of July!
As Americans across the country prepare to celebrate Independence Day, another beloved annual tradition is in full swing: asking military veterans whether or not the impending barrage of fireworks will send them spiraling into a nightmarish flashback.
This cherished custom, which dates back to the post-Vietnam era, has become as synonymous with the Fourth of July as apple pie, backyard barbecues, and the uncle who always stands a little too close to the fireworks.
Neighborhoods and families nationwide have reportedly already begun the time-honored practice of awkwardly approaching veterans to ask if the explosive festivities will rekindle memories of war-torn landscapes and mortal peril.
“There’s nothing quite like the Fourth of July,” said self-described “patriot” and part-time pyromaniac Chad Burnson, lighting up at the thought of setting off his $500 collection of state-of-the-art fireworks. “And of course, you can’t forget to show respect for our troops by asking them if our incessant need to blow something up will make them relive the worst moments of their lives. It’s the least we can do.”
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“I’ve started handing out pre-printed cards,” said Marine Corps veteran Lisa Nguyen. “They read: ‘Yes, fireworks can be triggering. No, I don’t want to talk about it. Please enjoy your celebration responsibly and eat a fucking dick you worthless fuck.’ It saves time and keeps things festive.”
As the nation prepares for another explosive Independence Day, one thing is certain: the tradition of turning to veterans for a touch of discomforting reality amidst the revelry will remain a cornerstone of American patriotism.
