Delta Force rescues woman trapped in Peloton commercial

WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials today released details of a successful high-profile mission by Delta Force to free the woman from the Peloton exercise bicycle Christmas ad.

Top security personnel suggested the mission after seeing the captured woman’s video diary, recorded over approximately the past twelve months. Video entries include the woman being introduced to the Peloton torture method, early morning panic attacks, and retrospectives of how imprisonment has changed her.

“We applaud this brave young lady’s ability to communicate details leading to her own rescue through subtle expressions and language,” said Pentagon spokesman Karl Baron. “What her captors intended as propaganda, she leveraged for her own liberation.”

During the raid, the ISIS member who had imprisoned her, Abu Bikr al-Badhubby was fatally wounded. “The world is a better place now,” said Baron. “I mean, what kind of monster buys a 108-lb. woman a $2,000 exercise bike without her asking or showing interest beforehand?”

While Delta Force rescue teams had expected the woman to be weakened and afraid from her isolation, she actually fled the scene on foot with incredible cardiovascular endurance and leg strength.

“Stay hydrated,” she advised her rescuers.