WASHINGTON D.C. – In his first hours leading the U.S. response to the COVID-19 pandemic, Mike Pence announced a bold program of conversion therapy to convince infected Americans they don’t have the disease after all.
Drawing on the techniques he believes turn gay people straight, Pence claimed “No-one is born with coronavirus, so the key is making them hate everything about themselves. Then and only then will they reject their unhealthy attachment to this so-called respiratory virus.”
“God made Adam & Eve, not Adam & Covid-19,” he added.
Despite widespread criticism, the Vice President insisted that the science he chooses to believe clearly demonstrates that this is the best solution.
Planned techniques include dangling a picture of a flu-free (and super hot) woman in front of the carriers while a priest chants ‘you are not sick’ over and over, pep talks from former corona carriers who call themselves ‘ex-coronas’ and of, course, quarantine.
“Quarantine is the best,” Pence declared, “I’ve been quarantining myself from women for decades and my marriage couldn’t be more infection-free.”