WASHINGTON, D.C.—Shortly after being put in charge of taking care of the coronavirus pandemic for the United States, Vice President Mike Pence unveiled a new, coronavirus-resistant uniform for women. The uniform consists of a red robe and white bonnet and is mandatory for all women in the country.
“We can’t be too careful here,” Pence said as he debuted the uniforms in front of a crowd of horrified reporters. “Every woman in the country must don this red dress thing and white head covering, effective immediately. It’s great at preventing both coronavirus and fornication.”
“Also, refrain from premarital relations, front hugs, or any public displays of affection outside of marriage,” Pence added. He then began to cackle, as he does sometimes.
“I just knew this was going to happen,” said one CNN correspondent as she donned her red robe at gunpoint. “Either Pence was going to turn the country into The Handmaid’s Tale or Trump was going to take over like Voldemort. Those are my only two literary frames of reference, and I’ve only really watched the show and movie. Though I have the books on my shelf as a conversation piece.”