The secret meeting of national Republican politicians was interrupted this week by the undisputed mastermind of American villainy, who was reportedly furious at his underlings for their near-sightedness in using up all their evil while in power.
“How many times do I have to say it? You don’t put all your evil on the table right away, that’s Negotiation 101!” The Boss roared, according to quavering sources. “You’ve blocked nearly every policy for two Democratic presidencies, gerrymandered your way to power, seized control of the Supreme Court by cheating, and now you demand input on Jackson’s confirmation? What are you threatening to do if she’s confirmed that you haven’t already done?”
“And don’t think they don’t know it! Without Manchin as a double agent, we’d be totally fucked!
Although he has the final say in every dastardly Republican scheme, the Boss rarely attends meetings himself, and always disguises his face and voice, so that even senior politicians can only speculate on his identity. Popular theories include Vladimir Putin, Rupert Murcdoch, and Charles Koch, although some suspect he is the reanimated corpse of older antagonists, such as Ronald Reagan, George Wallace, or Jefferson Davis.
However, everyone agrees that the Boss is not Trump. “The Boss is more of an Iago-type figure: cool-headed and cunning,” explained Mitt Romney. “And he’s been around a lot longer. We’ve been working to destroy America since the Nixon years, at least.”
As the Boss’ initial ire subsided into irritation, many attendees were ashamed of their thoughtlessness.
“I guess you can only change your stance on bipartisanship so many times before people realize you’re just making shit up depending on who controls the Senate,” observed a red-faced Marco Rubio.
“We can pinky-promise until we turn blue that if Jackson is blocked, we won’t turn the US into a dystopian dictatorship when we inevitably sweep the midterms. But even Republican voters aren’t stupid enough to believe that, which is exactly why we can count on their support.”
Analysts warn that the GOP may soon have to dig into its strategic evil reserves, with the main tank dangerously low. The recipe for wickedness relies heavily on the tears of minority children, hence the current focus on schools.
At press time, the Boss had declared his subordinates’ newest idea of publicly lighting puppies on fire too evil even for conservative voters, but decided that it could be repurposed nicely as something to baselessly accuse Democrats of doing.
