‘Rest assured, we Republicans will get to the bottom of what Hunter Biden did and why it definitely involved bringing people across the border to harvest human babies for wealthy liberals to eat.’
Hello, fellow Americans. We are the new Republican majority in the U.S. House of Representatives, and it is our honor to share our exciting plans for the weeks and months ahead.
Clearly the midterm elections didn’t go quite as we had hoped, but we are appropriately chastened and have fully heard the message that was sent: You all are tired of conspiracy theories and election denialism and prefer a focus on legislation that will make a difference in your lives.
That’s why we’re proudly introducing the first of 37 investigations into Hunter Biden and his father, President Joe Biden, along with a number of new committees that will address the concerns of regular Americans like Sean Hannity, Donald Trump and Tucker Carlson.
Throughout the midterm election campaign, we talked to you about the meat and potato issues we promised to fix: rising inflation, illegal immigration and high gas prices.
What we didn’t tell you is we believe all those problems stem from Hunter Biden and a series of other scandalous things we have read about on the internet.
To demonstrate how prepared we are to govern, the House GOP on Thursday tweeted: “Hunter Biden’s laptop is REAL.”
That is one of the things we have already learned! Clearly, the fact the president’s adult son has a REAL laptop is problematic, and quite likely ties in with the exorbitant price of groceries.
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