On April 24, Tucker Carlson was abruptly fired from his position as a Fox News host. The Onion sits down with the conservative political commentator to discuss what happened.
The Onion: Why did you leave Fox News?
Tucker Carlson: Fox runs a tight ship. You couldn’t get away with half the lies there that I could when I worked at CNN or MSNBC.
The Onion: Were you fired?
Tucker Carlson: No, it was 100% my decision. When I showed up to work on Monday and was denied access to the building, I decided that was the last straw and quit right then and there.
The Onion: What’s been the most frustrating part of this whole situation for you?
Tucker Carlson: Fox unfortunately owns the rights to the name Tucker Carlson, so now I have to go by Topher Cobbelton.
The Onion: What’s next for Tucker Carlson?
Tucker Carlson: I have a part-time receptionist gig at a Planned Parenthood until I can get back on my feet.
The Onion: The Dominion case files revealed a text you sent saying that you hate Donald Trump “passionately.” Is that true?
Tucker Carlson: Look, do I want to murder Donald Trump? Strangle him? Beat him? Stab him hundreds of times, fuck his corpse, and then stab him even more until he’s completely unrecognizable and I’m covered in his blood and viscera? Yes. But hate him passionately? No, absolutely not.
The Onion: Do you think your unapologetically radical conservative media personality is a trauma response to you never developing a relationship with your bohemian mother, who left your family when you were six to live in France?
Tucker Carlson: Cut the psychoanalysis act, Freud. If you’re asking if I want to sleep with my mother, the answer is obviously yes.
The Onion: Where are you going to get fired from next?
Tucker Carlson: I’m already in talks to be let go from OAN, Breitbart, and The Daily Caller.
The Onion: Newsmax has expressed interest in hiring you. Will we be seeing you there soon?
Tucker Carlson: Even I’m not that big of a loser.
The Onion: Okay, why don’t we close this out on a lighter note. What’s something fun that you’re excited to pursue now that you have more free time?
Tucker Carlson: Transgender migrants are forcibly impregnating our children with agents of the Chinese Communist Party.
