An ominous pulsating dark orb with unknown powers is set to replace Kevin McCarthy as the Speaker of the House following a historic vote to oust the California representative, confirmed sources in awe of the orb.
“Quite frankly, this is how it should have been from the beginning. McCarthy was too old and too untrustworthy to lead,” said Congressman Matt Gaetz while sending multiple messages to high school girls asking if they needed a date to prom. “If it were up to me, the Orb would have been Speaker from the get go. Look, McCarthy lied to Biden and members of the House. The Orb? That guy doesn’t even speak! He just stares menacingly, almost as if he’s looking into the darkest part of your soul. That’s the kind of leadership we need.”
A devastated Kevin McCarthy expressed his anguish over the vote when questioned, stating he doesn’t fully understand the position or experience of the candidate who is set to replace him.
“Look, I’d understand some kind of creature from the unknown, maybe even a literal vampire. But I don’t even know what the hell this orb thing is. This is just a personal vendetta from Gaetz and I’d hope everyone who is able to look past The Orb’s infinite stare will be able to see it for what it is: an attack on the American values I was elected to uphold,” stated a visibly sweaty McCarthy. “I’ll tell you one thing, though. If supporting that weird wizard thing is what it takes to get back my seat as the Speaker, you bet your ass my spine will crinkle quicker than Marjorie Taylor Greene’s nose at a drag show. Please don’t tell her I said that.”
Noted Far-Right Republican mage, Gerinald Beatrice Fondsworth III, expressed cautious excitement for the new Orb Speaker, but wished Congress would have chosen someone more relatable.
“Orbs are incredibly advanced members of the mage community. We respect them, sure, but electing one is not the way to get to the core of your average citizen’s concerns,” said Fondsworth, who was sporting a MAMA (Make America Majick Again) hat. “If you ask me, they should have gone with a more humanoid warlock-type person. That way the public would have a face to place to the name. Hell, most orbs don’t even have names… or faces while we’re at it. Either way, I’m glad to have someone in office who pushes our agenda of dark terror upon the unsuspecting nation. It’s been a long time coming.”
At press time, McCarthy was seen attempting to curl himself into a ball after painting himself black in a futile attempt to gain favor with literal psychopathic government officials.
