Since the ‘70s Jim Henson’s muppets have delighted fans of all ages and become one of the most enduring and beloved institutions in the entertainment industry. Imagine the pressure involved in maintaining the quality of such a storied and important brand. Is it any surprise that they often make tabloid rags’ front pages with their public meltdowns and drunken antics?
It’s a fairly open secret that these puppet Pagliaccis are no strangers to the comforts of a bottle, but which one of America’s favorite anthropomorphic entertainers is the biggest booze hound? Here is every muppet ranked by how often their benders have caught the attention of the media and the law.
29. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
He’s a teetotaler when it comes to alcohol. Homemade pharmaceuticals, that’s another story.
28. Camilla the Chicken
Unlike other muppets Camilla is just a chicken, and not anthropomorphic or sentient. No matter how many times her toxic sexual relationship with Gonzo causes her to drunkenly create a scene, the police can’t arrest her.
27. Beauregard
He’s never been arrested, but he’s been fired for passing out drunk in the janitor’s closet several times.
26. Rowlf the Dog
Rowlf is a good boy, but he had an embarrassing Tom Waits phase in the early ’00s and leaned into the whiskey. He was arrested a few times for disorderly conduct, but people close to him claim he was just trying to write a song about spending the night in a drunk tank.
25. Gene
He’s friendly enough sober, but once he’s had a few and he puts his mean eyebrows on, look out!
24. Sweetums
Sweetums has the alcohol tolerance of Andre the Giant. Unfortunately, he drinks as much as Andre the Giant. He doesn’t get violent or reckless, just sort of sloppy and sad. He’s been arrested drunk only once for refusing to leave a Cheesecake Factory at closing.
23. Gonzo
He enjoys his brandy but has never been arrested for alcohol-related misconduct. The FBI is building a case against Gonzo for much more sinister crimes, and the local cops know not to get in the way.
22. Fozzie Bear
Fozzie has been sober since April 10th, 1992. He opened up about his rock bottom on a recent episode of WTF. “I was putting two nips in my coffee every morning just to stop the shakes. When you were partying with the Texas Mafia boys, that was considered normal. I can’t change what I did. I shouldn’t have been driving that night. Sam Kinison, wherever you are, I’m sorry, and I miss you. Waka waka.”
21. Janice
Janice’s alcohol-related rap sheet is relatively tame for a member of The Electric Mayhem. Three arrests for disorderly conduct, two for driving under the influence, and one for breaking into a random family’s home and falling asleep in the kitchen.
20. Lew Zealand
You don’t wind up as a fish boomerang expert living the clean life.
19. Uncle Deadly
People think he got his name from his ghastly appearance, but really it’s all the drunk driving arrests. But he comes from a rich family so he’s never done any real time.
18. Rizzo the Rat
Rizzo likes to party as much as the next muppet, but the second someone says cop he’s gone. Even when he’s three sheets to the wind he’s fast, agile, and determined not to go back to prison.
17. Clifford
Clifford started hitting the bottle hard when the pressure of hosting Muppets Tonight started to get to him. He wound up creating a work environment so volatile he made Jimmy Fallon look like Mr. Rogers.
16. Bobo the Bear
You would think rebranding as a healthy lifestyle influencer in the early ’00s would slow Bobo’s roll but guess again. Bobo is a classic problem drinker, so when he goes, he goes hard. His antics have earned him a lifelong ban from the Webby Awards, and Beauregard has had to drive him everywhere since he lost his license in 2017.
15. Robin the Frog
We all know it’s tough to be a child star and we all know it ain’t easy being green. Sadly, Robin found the solution to both problems at the bottom of a bottle at a very young age.
14. Crazy Harry
He’s always drunk and he’s always blowing shit up without a permit. At this point, Crazy Harry has spent more time on the inside than out.
13. Statler and Waldorf
The aged theater hecklers certainly know how to handle their liquor, but police are always looking for any excuse to bust them due to the duo’s merciless taunts. They’ve spent many a night in the drunk take over crimes as minor as a busted tail light and jaywalking.
12. Zoot
Zoot likes to get on his high horse about being the only member of The Electric Mayhem who has never gotten in trouble for driving drunk. Pretty big talk for a guy who drunkenly crashed 4 houseboats and stood trial for manslaughter twice.
11. Floyd Pepper
Floyd loves three things—his band, abusing alcohol, and starting fires under the influence of alcohol.
10. Scooter
Scooter’s uncle owns the Muppet’s theater and he takes full advantage of those perks.
9. Beaker
On the East Coast, you won’t find a single strip club with a happy hour that doesn’t have a picture of Beaker posted behind the bar with the caption “Do Not Serve.” He is a menace.
8. Lips
You might think Lips got his name from playing the trumpet, but in reality, it’s because off stage his lips are always wrapped around a bottle of Wild Turkey.
7. Dr. Teeth
Dr. Teeth’s obsession with maintaining The Electric Mayhem’s dangerous rock star image has come at great personal and legal cost. He’s always starting trouble at clubs and he’s not happy until the police call for backup and the news crew is there to capture him biting the arresting officers. Most recently he was arrested, visibly intoxicated, trying to bring cocaine, oxycontin, and a gun onto an airplane along with several members of The River Bottom Nightmare Band.
6. The Swedish Chef
If you catch Swedish Chef in the morning he is one of the most articulate, insightful men you will ever meet with full command of the English language. By noon he drinks himself into the stupor you see on television. That’s not a real language he’s speaking, dude’s never even been to Sweden.
5. Link Hogthrob
If Link had a dollar for every time he’s been filmed drunkenly shouting “Do you know who the fuck I am?!” while being escorted from a fast food place in handcuffs, he wouldn’t be bankrupt today.
4. Sam the Eagle
For years Sam the Eagle enjoyed a public image as the most strait-laced muppet—a moral, values-based conservative in the sea of liberal puppets. Then in the mid-’90s video surfaced of a drunken altercation between Sam and a police officer whom he is heard addressing as “Officer Sugar-Beak.” He refused to participate in a sobriety check and went on a tirade of extremely unsavory political views, going so far as to claim “The Frogs are responsible for all war.” Since then it’s been a steady stream of public outbursts and legal problems. It’s pretty shocking that he’s still working honestly.
3. Kermit the Frog
Every St. Patrick’s Day it’s the same thing. Kermit goes to a bar, has a few too many, and starts talking shit about the first person he sees not wearing green. “What’s this guy’s problem? Doesn’t he know what day it is? Must be trying to get his ASS BEAT or something!” He just keeps hammering and hammering until the patron can’t ignore him any longer and confronts him. That’s when Kermit smashes a bottle in his face, holds the neck of it to the poor guy’s throat, and screams “What’s wrong with being green? What’s wrong with being GREEN motherfucker?!” over and over until the police arrive and pull him away.
2. Miss Piggy
Piggy isn’t an alcoholic per se. Her real addiction is attention, and when she was arrested for belligerently assaulting a Dress Barn cashier in 1994 she got plenty of it. Since that incident, and the resulting media circus around it, whenever she feels like the world isn’t giving enough notice to “Muah,” she gets hammered and stages an over-the-top public meltdown just to get on TMZ.
1. Animal
How big of a booze hound is Animal? Well, for starters, his real name is Clarence. Don’t feel dumb for not knowing that, he doesn’t remember half the time either. On any given weekend Animal drinks enough booze to kill John Bonham, Keith Moon, and Amy Winehouse combined, but as a muppet, he can’t die. He just devolves further and further into bacchanal insanity. During his legendary drum battle with Buddy Rich, Animal was so inebriated he couldn’t say his trademark catchphrase “Aaaaaagggh!” Still, no matter how drunk he gets, his drumming is always on point, and it is that gift/curse of functional alcoholism and immortality that will keep Animal a slave to John Barleycorn forever.
