“I guess I thought there was more humanity to unravel with J.D.”
Following Vice President JD Vance’s aggressive criticism of Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Satan has expressed his first public doubts about the agreement that brought Vance to President Trump’s side.
Reached for comment while “decompressing” in a partially burned farmhouse in Bucha, the Dark Lord emphasized that while he was excited for Putin’s rapacious assault on the country to continue, Vance’s actions made him wonder if the vice president was ever the principled Marine, hard-scrabble Appalachian survivor and faithful Christian he’d believed in.
“There’s a reason I play golf with Trump and Putin. Sure, they’ll be mine eventually, but they’re good hangs, and I’m in no hurry to get my hands on their shriveled-up little Voldemort souls,” said Satan. “You can’t really corrupt what’s corrupted.” Lucifer went on to say that to truly make the angels weep, he ached to feed off the succulent desecration of a decent man’s eternal soul.
Asked for clarification, the Deceiver explained, “You want to whisper in the ear of the resentful lover, the unacknowledged artist, even the over-thinking GM of the major sports team. Let their hubris, jealousy, and desire unravel their very humanity. Hell 101.”
He was silent for a moment, casually toying with a blood-stained doll found amongst the debris. “I guess I thought there was more humanity to unravel with J.D.”
Vance’s deal with Satan was reportedly signed just prior to the publishing of his book, Hillbilly Elegy. The unexpectedly successful biography, which detailed how Vance overcame a culture of poverty through self-sufficiency and Marine Corps discipline, paved the way for a curiously rapid political rise.
But Vance, according to The Evil One, never exhibited the expected slow-burning existential horror over betraying his convictions in service of ambition. “This is a guy who once said Trump might be an ‘American Hitler.’ So I expected some ‘this wasn’t part of the deal!’ type indignancy. But there he was, going rabid hillbilly-possum on the brass-balled leader of an embattled democracy. And I’m suddenly wondering: did this guy ever have a shred of integrity?”
“In the time I wasted on that moon-faced coward, I could have gotten my hooks in half the starlets in Hollywood or an entire blog’s worth of underappreciated humor-writing incels.”
After reporters reached out to Hell’s public relations office in Newark, N.J., a nameless evil spokesman described the initial excitement around defiling the soul of a seemingly honorable Marine. “Eventually though, the signs were there,” said the Dark Lord’s flack, “but trust me, Lucifer’s never heard of the sunk-cost fallacy.” The rep insisted on adding that he would have joined the Marines if not for bone spurs. “Probably for the best because I would have flayed the first drill sergeant who got in my face.”
Satan’s comments further occlude the White House’s stance on the war, a position already mired in controversy. Some experts expressed hope that the administration was cynically employing a realpolitik gambit for peace, while others stared blankly into space, silently contemplating the death of America as a beacon of freedom.
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“It’s like dating a Catholic girl for years, only to find out her self-esteem is so low she would have slept with you on the first date. The other day, I had J.D. chug a liter of lamb’s blood just to see if he’d do it. Trump laughed so hard he shot a fry out his nose.”
In a hushed tone, Satan added, “Elon had a full erection the whole time. It was unsettling.”
Reached in Marine Heaven, General Chesty Puller kept his comments succinct. “Devil Dog? More like Satan’s bitch,” he said. “How’s that for an ‘elegy,’ J.D.?”
