USAF changes name to ‘US As F*ck’
WASHINGTON — After 71 years, the U.S. Air Force is changing its name, the U.S. As Fuck (USAF) announced today.
The world’s premier air and space force decided on the change in response to surveys indicating that badly-needed recruits are drawn to motivational T-shirts, patriotic fantasies derived from gaming, and the hope of being considered “as fuck” as Marines without doing “as much” physical training.
According to in-the-know Millennial Capt. Sherina Saaun, a recruit flight commander, recruits — who are GenZ — want to be “‘as fuck’ as anything. All. The. Time,” she said, snapping her fingers to emphasize each unnecessary break.
“Today’s recruits don’t want to affiliate with anything their parents were raised to be,” she added. “They want a unique identity, and that identity is U.S. As Fuck.”
Eighteen-year-old enlistee Brian Elverston seemed to agree.
“I heard that aerial porters and flightline kitchen personnel are badass as fuck,” he said, while digitally signing paperwork at an As Fuck recruiting office in Houston. “I’m patriotic as fuck, so when I thought about the truck nutz on the back of my Nissan Sentra plus my scores in Call of Duty: Porta Potty IED, I decided USAF is the only way to go.”
Along with the name change, the service also announced new official colors. They are olive drab, distressed olive drab, black, and blackish black. Text will be Distressed Gothic script in gray eggshell.
“My two uncles served in the Air Force,” Elverston said. “But they were just ‘Air Force’ back then — and definitely not As Fuck at all.” He added, “Air Force, that’s so Boomer and lame. What about cyber, and what about space as fuck, huh?”
Wings, Groups, and Squadrons have until September 30 to redesign logos to attract this fall’s crop of college freshmen who drop out by November.