FLAVORTOWN — President Donald Trump officially nominated Guy Fieri to fill the new post of Chairman of the Joint Chefs, the White house reported today.
“I was speaking with my beautiful wife Melania the other night and I realized there were no bodacious amigos advising me on oil-logged, bomb-dot-com tasty grindage,” Trump told members of the media. “I have no doubt that Guy will blow our collective friggin’ minds with policies that are delectable, edible, and Congressional.”
Fieri’s confirmation before the Senate is expected to be “easy as pie,” said White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham, and that his “radical views on chomchom” spoke for themselves.
“[Mr. Fieri]’s credentials are impeccable,” said Grisham. “His avantgarde thinking in the culinary battlespace really impressed the Senate Subcommittee on Agricultural Research, Nutrition, and Specialty Crops, ultimately fast-tracking his nomination.”
According to subcommittee majority member John Boozman (R-AR), Fieri laid out an effervescent and multipronged strategy for “blasting the ol’ buds” of America’s allies during an interview last week.
“I was particularly impressed with his plans for a US-North Korean fusion dish,” said Boozman. “Although I vehemently disagree with his views on pineapple on pizza, I honestly can’t think of a more cray-cray bro for this role.”
Boozman also confirmed reports that Senate Democrats were being “complete downers” by “totally blocking” Fieri’s appointment on the grounds of being “muy, muy unpalatable” to the American people.
“This dude’s a total bozo,” said Senate minority leader Charles Schumer (D-NY). “Only someone with links to fundamentalist terrorists would concoct a dish as heinous and un-American as Cajun crab and asparagus pie.”
Schumer specifically mentioned Fieri’s botched Middle Eastern dish—Guy’s Forever Shwarma—as the thick, substantial base of their rebuttal.
“He is offensive to spit fired meats everywhere,” Schumer told reporters.”We will not let his garish garnish tarnish our relations with our Middle Eastern partners.”
Despite the fierce opposition, Fieri is confident that Congress will make the right decision.
“You best believe that I will be delivering some quivering, freedom-dripping smorgasborgasms to the American people,” Fieri told Trump supporters at a rally in Oklahoma City. “I guarantee there will be snurgles and dinner medals on every American and that we will be the leader in greaze-tastic scrannage.”
At press time, Fieri’s PR team was scrambling to address allegations he inappropriately massaged a bundle of kale while preparing his signature Bulgur Wheat and Kale Salad in 2011.