VANCOUVER – After a years-long joint investigation by multiple international agencies, authorities have finally arrested the drug kingpin responsible for supplying all squirrels with massive quantities of amphetamines for decades.
Nathan Kingsland was taken into custody earlier today after CSIS investigators were tipped off to his location by a rat.
“Squirrels everywhere have been zipping around on uppers for too long,” said officer Sean Rikkers at a press conference. “After years of intelligence gathering by elderly undercover agents stationed in parks across North America, we have finally rooted out the source of this wide-ranging problem.”
A raid of Kingsland’s palatial compound revealed numerous vaults full of carefully sorted nuts, apparently received as payment for drug deals. A further search of the location revealed additional nut reserves buried underground, likely for winter.
“There is this popular belief that squirrels are just naturally twitchy, bug-eyed and manic,” explained rodent-rights activist Sarah Esguerra, “when in fact they have simply been gripped the throes of a speed-high for generations, desperately stuffing their cheeks full of the goods needed to procure their next fix. Thanks to this arrest we can finally expect squirrels to return to their natural state of graceful, pensive, elegant movement, not unlike their cousins the sloths.”
“I am sick of people thinking they can lean on stereotypes like the highly offensive squirrel from the Ice Age movies,” stated Esguerra, “when in reality there is nothing funny about seeing a poor animal hit rock bottom due to addiction, standing in the middle of the street unable to even decide which side to run to in order to avoid an oncoming vehicle. None of this would have happened if they hadn’t first gotten hooked on Adderall thanks to those know-it-all owls!”
Authorities refuse to comment on whether they intend to follow up this high profile arrest by going after whoever has been supplying the world’s pandas with cannabis.