North Korea threatens to blah blah, Christ, every week with these guys

PYONGYANG, NK – This week, the government of North Korea warned that if U.S. didn’t stop ticking them off, they’d blah blah, when are these guys gonna take a week off?

This is directly on the heels of a previous three dozen threats to fire nuclear warheads straight into Washington while yada yada, sorry I fell asleep and had a dream these donkeys aren’t 100% certified greasy liars.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un followed up with a list of topics that are forbidden for American press, warning that if the information embargo is not respected, he’ll – what, drill a tunnel under Washington with underground drill cars like the Shredder’s whip in the old Ninja Turtles cartoon? I’d love that, I’ll pay for the gas with my Petro points.

Other demands include, “Don’t make fun of Dennis Rodman, destroy all copies of “The Interview,” stop claiming the North Korean populous is struggling through 4th world conditions… Jeez, I thought this guy was busy writing 10,000 operas? Fuck off with these shenanigans, I only got six hours of sleep last night, and I’m not in the fuckin’ MOOD.

Un went on to warn that if these demands are not met, he’ll OOOH HOLY SHIT, UH OH, invade North America? I must be a Jeff Dunham puppet because my eyes are rolling like a Fred Durst song right now with this chucklehead. May I suggest this motherfucker make like a Mario level and pipe down?

When confronted by UN Peacekeepers regarding the threats, Un replied that he just got his 35th black belt in Tae Kwon Do, yeah yeah, and I bet your brother once killed a guy, right? I tire of it, pal. I’m weary as hell regarding this nonsense.

Update: North Korea has responded to this satirical article with threats of repercussions, and brother? I’m unruffled. What, will they grow really big and stomp on the Beaverton offices like North Korea’s knockoff monster ‘Giant Lizard Godzello? Shyeah right.