I was wearing a facemask for years before it was cool

By Cobra Commander

I am watching all of you suddenly embrace the latest trend, which is a full-face mask which conceals your chin, mouth and nose. I just want all of you who are now adopting this style to know: You are fucking poseurs and you need to acknowledge that you’re just copying me.

This is just like when I dyed my hair white in high school, and then Eminem saw my MySpace and copied me, and then his legions of fans did. Just like I was listening to Sublime way before they were cool. (Did you know Gwen Stefani used to be a backup singer for them? Of course you didn’t, because you’re a fucking poseur.) Just like I liked The Boondock Saints before it became a cult classic.

As public record will show, I have been wearing either partial or complete head cover since at least 1982. The only thing I know harder and with more certainty is my hatred for those awful GI Joes. A cursory Google search will confirm that I have always worn a mask, and was the creator of this style.

Several Mortal Kombat characters copied the style in the nineties and early aughts, and while we must give credit to those innovators (albeit the entire conceit was stolen from Street Fighter), we should also acknowledge that they were copying me, and not ninjas. Because ninjas are not real and never existed.

A real ninja fan would know that. Or if you played the original L5R, which I won’t even bother to spell out because real shugenja won’t have to Google it.

And speaking of Google: I still use AskJeeves.

This is just like when I started getting sleeve tattoos, and then a bunch of my fellow veterans started doing it too, and then the general public as a whole. You all embarrass me so much with your tattoos, because I know I started the trend and you haven’t earned them.

Or like the time when I started telling people about this nice quiet little bar band called The Himalayans, and like five minutes later they were the biggest stars in history, only you probably know them as Counting Crows. All because I put the bug in your ear. I can’t even listen to them anymore because they’ve gotten so poppy, and it’s all because of you bandwagoners.

I bet most of you poseurs even spell it poser.

In closing, I want to point out that I was eating bat way before anyone else. The Chinese place right by the Red line station on 95th street in Brooklyn used to have the best bat, but then a bunch of poseurs started going there. I’m not going to tell you where I get my bat now, behind a tennis court by the Naval Yards, because I don’t want my cool, hip little spot to get taken over by hipsters.

For the record: The real Nick Fury is not black. A purist would not accept any movie where he’s not a grizzled old white guy. This is not a racial thing—I have over two black friends!—but I just, you know, maybe place more fidelity in original art than you do.

If you want to whine or send me hate mail, Baroness is my S1, and you can route any @s through her.

I gotta go: I feel a cough coming on.

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