Grimacing from the other side of the room as the wheezing president made his fifth attempt to form the word “filthy” during a story about Puerto Rican statehood, several White House staffers confirmed Wednesday that they were heartbroken by the sight of a frail, weakened Donald Trump struggling to yell racial slurs at his television. “There was a story about immigrants and the election, and yet it took him almost two minutes to start talking about how Mexicans are criminals,” said chief of staff Mark Meadows, who wiped tears from his eyes and claimed that the old Trump he knew could have rattled off a dozen slurs about Hispanics with no hesitation whatsoever, and might have even come up with a few new ones right on the spot. “You can see he’s shaking with rage, but his lips just couldn’t form what he really wanted to say about the Japanese, or Indians, or Greeks. The poor guy can’t even get the N-word out without having to get a breath of oxygen, even though he used to throw that around a hundred times a day.” At press time, the White House staff had created a signal system where Trump could point out the slur he wanted to use on a giant whiteboard.