Trump says impeachment lawyers quit because winning will be too easy and thus unsatisfying

Former US President Donald Trump has issued a statement regarding the departure of his lead impeachment lawyers, clarifying they only quit because winning his impeachment trial will be “too easy” and therefore not all that fun.

In his statement, Trump assured his supporters there were no hard feelings in the departure of Butch Bowers and Deborah Barbier. “I respect talent and they were huge law talents,” Trump wrote from his Florida headquarters. “They wanted a challenge – I get that more than anyone. I love a challenge. On purpose I let COVID-19 get bad so it’d be more impressive when I defeated it. Which I definitely did.”

Trump’s lead lawyers quitting days before his second impeachment trial may seem like a bad sign for the former president, but Trump’s supporters maintain it’s a good sign, actually. As well, legal analysts from Trump University claim this departure is a huge blow for the Democrats, for reasons they said were too complicated to explain over the phone.

Bowers and Barbier could not be reached for comment, as all traces of them have disappeared from the internet, but Trump himself quoted their first impression when looking at the impeachment articles: “Wow, getting you acquitted? So easy! We’d win this too fast, in like 20 minutes, it wouldn’t be a stretch for our tremendous lawyering talents.”

Trump’s statement emphasizes that he has never taken the easy road, having sabotaged many profitable businesses just to make their return to solvency more satisfying. This attitude also explains Trump’s many marriages, about which he stated, “Anyone can succeed at one marriage, that’s easy – but I’ve knocked it out of the park with three perfect marriages thus far.”

While Trump has made no comment about his new legal team, he was recently witnessed telling his staff he would totally do hand-stands more often but he’s so good at them it’s not even fun anymore.