Trump definitely going to jail, claims reporter who’s new here

With numerous devastating charges laid against the Trump Organization by New York prosecutors, the 45th President of the United States is certain to spend the rest of his life behind bars, according to a political journalist who only just heard about Trump for the first time this week.

“When you break the law, there are consequences. It might take a while, but there is no doubt in my mind that THIS is the beginning of the end for mister Donald J. Trump,” explained junior reporter Jonah Michaelson, who just moved to town and hasn’t had much time to get up to speed on things but is pretty sure he’s got this Trump situation figured out.

The Trump Organization and its chief financial officer are charged with a damning series of crimes ranging from fraud to tax evasion. “These are white-collar financial crimes, which are more likely to result in a lengthy prison sentence for the man at the top,” Michaelson stated as his voice cracked and he adjusted the backpack that he got in journalism school. “This is not the kind of thing you can just make some fall guy take the heat for,” he added, before double checking with a colleague how exactly it is you spell ‘Trump’.

Donald Trump, who has avoided facing personal criminal responsibility for rape, sexual assault, election interference, failure to pay contractors, threats of violence, running a fake university, bribery, violating the constitution and inciting an insurrection, is “probably sweating a whole lot in light of these new charges,” asserted Michaelson. “He KNOWS he’s going down.”

“I’ll admit, I may not be aware of the full backstory for this Trump guy,” Michaelson explained, “but what I do know is that the American justice system is not about to let some wealthy, powerful, famous, white man just get away with a crime. If they did that, how are people expected to trust that the system works?”