Time-travelling Bible author horrified to discover people took his fantasy novel literally

A disruption occurred at a local library last week, caused by a man who claimed to be the author of the Book of Genesis.

Patrons of the library reported discovering him poring over a copy of the Old Testament and an encyclopedia with the page open to a description of the Salem Witch Trials. When approached, he at first refused to answer questions, instead screaming, “They couldn’t possibly have taken that allegory literally,” and “No, no, no, I’ve started a cult! And not the good kind!”

After about an hour of alternating between reading Bible verses and a history of the Crusades, onlookers say the man moved on to perusing a copy of The Lord of the Rings, which only appeared to exacerbate his distress.

“This is the sort of thing I was trying to write! Why do you think I put that talking snake in there? Not because I was recording history, that’s for sure,” the man could be heard yelling in security footage of the incident. “I was going to be the fantasy author of the millennium, and you idiots couldn’t even figure out what genre the novel was supposed to be?”

“Plus, you completely ruined the story I started. I mean, just look at the Book of Chronicles! This is terrible even for fanfiction!”

The man was only partially mollified by assurances that the Bible is the bestselling book of all time, complaining that, “Most people who buy it don’t actually read it, unlike this Harry Potter stuff.”

He was also unimpressed when informed that people dress up and pretend to cast spells based on the Bible just as they do with J. K. Rowling’s series.

“I guess that does make my book pretty influential, but, I don’t know, it just comes off as kind of pathetic when they actually believe they’re doing real magic,” he later commented in an interview.

At press time, the man had announced that he was going to reinvent his creation with a prequel to the Book of Genesis, which would mark the second-longest delay ever in the completion of a fantasy series, behind only George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire.

What a fantastic Revelation (boop!). Do you take this Christian fantasy book literally?