Republicans relieved no fetuses killed in Texas school shooting

A wave of relief washed over the Republican party today as they learned no fetuses were harmed in yesterday’s shootings at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas.

“Thank God,” said Texas Republican spokesperson Denver Fortsworth. “Just bornies this time.”

“Like everyone, when I heard some of the children were only 8, I was horrified that so much innocent life had been cruelly taken in an act of violent savagery” said anti-abortion activist Janet Marn, “But when I found out they were 8 years old, not 8 weeks or months, well that’s a whole different thing. I mean these kids were in, what, the 29th trimester?“

Across the state pro-life Republicans took comfort in the fact that no clumps of non-sentient cells had been destroyed, just the lives of children and their family members who will never recover.

Forstworth reiterated the long-standing policy of the GOP: “once you’ve exited the vessel, you’re on your own. I mean 8 years old? They should have been carrying weapons.”

At press time, Alex Jones was too busy with bankruptcy paperwork to accuse the Uvalde parents of faking the whole thing.