Interesting But Not Damning: The FBI Has Revealed That All They Found In Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Safe Were The Love Letters He’d Never Felt Courageous Enough To Send To Lois Griffin

f you’ve been following the news about the FBI’s raid on Mar-a-Lago, you’ll be relieved to know that the top secret documents former president Donald Trump stored on the premises weren’t the security threat we’d feared they were. As it turns out, the evidence federal authorities collected is undoubtedly interesting, but in no way damning: The FBI has revealed that all they found in Trump’s Mar-a-Lago safe were the love letters he’d never felt courageous enough to send to Lois Griffin.

Wow. While we’re fascinated by Trump’s private infatuation with Family Guy’s matriarch, it’s a big relief it is to know nuclear documents haven’t fallen into the wrong hands!

At a press conference early this morning, FBI Director Christopher Wray announced the 532 pages of Trump’s handwritten, Quahog-addressed letters professing his secret love and devotion to Lois Griffin that were discovered in a Mar-a-Lago safe were indeed sensitive information, but were completely legal and contained no information that could compromise national security. Wray then confirmed the end of all federal investigations into the former president’s handling of high-level national security documents, and issued a formal apology to Trump for invading matters of his own personal privacy, explaining that they never intended to bring any of the unsent acrostic poems or pleas for Lois Griffin to leave her “slob” of a husband to the public’s attention.

“As the head of the FBI, I take full responsibility and sincerely apologize for any distress that the public disclosure of these love letters has caused for Donald Trump, Lois Griffin, and both the Trump and Griffin families,” explained Wray. “If any Saudi Arabian officials did manage to access Trump’s safe at Mar-a-Lago, all they would have found is a trove of romantic writing by a tender soul too afraid to express his true feelings to the woman who he believed was the love of his life, their unrealized affair clearly eating away at Mr. Trump’s heart over the 20-plus years he’d written these increasingly intense, lovelorn appeals to ‘[his] Quahog minx.’ These letters—postmarked, addressed, but never mailed—were never meant for the eyes of anyone other than Donald Trump and Lois Griffin. We ask the media and public to respect their privacy.”

Excerpts from the letters show just how head-over-heels Donald Trump was for Lois Griffin, and how willing he was to throw away his marriage, and even his presidency itself, to be with her. Take a look at a small selection of the leaked love letters below!

“Rhode Island is no place for a woman like you, Lois. Come to New York. Be with me. My wife Melania will look after your little one, Stewie. She’ll understand. Hell, I’ll come to you. I’ll buy a gorgeous, massive penthouse apartment in downtown Quahog, and we can go there together. I don’t care what happens. What matters is you and me and nothing else.” [Donald Trump to Lois Griffin, dated January 31, 1999]

“L is for Lovely woman!
O is for Of course Trump loves Lois!
I is for Incredible woman!
S is for Sexy woman!” [Donald Trump to Lois Griffin, dated September 12, 2001]

“If you come live with me in New York, don’t bring that dog. That’s my only condition for our love.” [Donald Trump to Lois Griffin, dated February 14, 2005]

“I get nervous before taking the stage at my rallies. The only thing that helps is imagining that every supporter in the crowd is you, with your big triangle nose and nasally laugh and enormous breasts. It gives me all the bravery in the world.” [Donald Trump to Lois Griffin, dated October 31, 2015]

“My son Barron would like to be with your Meg. We can go on double-dates together. Wouldn’t that be nice?” [Donald Trump to Lois Griffin, dated November 8, 2019]

“I was totally unable to pay attention to the morning briefing today. I was daydreaming about burying my face in your beautiful red hair, until a Secret Service agent burst into the room, running his mouth about someone storming the Capitol. For a moment, I thought, ‘Could it be Lois? Has she finally given up her boring life in Quahog with that disgusting failure Peter, and realized that she is much, much better off with me?’ God, I don’t care about anything but you anymore. To hell with this job. I’d give these people the Capitol and more if it meant we could be together.” [Donald Trump to Lois Griffin, dated January 6, 2021]

“Everytime I see you with that fat pig Peter, I want to die. My heart can’t take it. The sight of such an undeserving man putting his lips on you makes me want to hang myself with my own necktie. I enjoy your large son Chris, though. He’s very funny!” [Donald Trump to Lois Griffin, dated January 6, 2021]

“When I think of the best version of myself, the Donald Trump I’d be the most proud to be? It’s the version of me that’s brave enough to send these letters to you, Lois. It’s the version of me that’s taking your last name and growing old with you. Will I ever be brave enough to be that man, Lois? You give me the strength that makes me believe I might be, one day. Wait for me, Lois!” [Donald Trump to Lois Griffin, dated January 6, 2021]

Phew. Thank god our national security hasn’t been compromised! These letters are definitely fascinating, but they’re unlikely to threaten the United States in any way. No matter what you think of President Trump, you have to admit he did nothing wrong except refuse to follow his heart and profess his love to Lois Griffin directly. Every American should be glad to hear that there was nothing to worry about inside Trump’s Mar-a-Lago safe!