White House staffer changes ‘days without security incident’ sign back to zero

“Guess we’re not getting a pizza party this week.”

A White House staffer changed the “days without a security incident” sign back to zero this morning after aides found additional classified documents in President Biden’s personal residence, sources confirmed today.

“Guess we’re not getting a pizza party this week,” said Kenneth Franklin, a 23-year-old West Wing staffer, after he changed the sign and lumbered back to his desk. “It was my turn to pick this month, too — it’s just not fair.”

Franklin and his colleagues were required to change the sign from four days back to zero after the revelation that aides found additional classified documents in the President’s garage, private office, and in the glovebox of his 1981 Camaro. Staffers were not the only White House employees unhappy about the revelation.

“You got any Xanax?” the White House security manager asked as she poured something from a flask into a coffee cup and stubbed a cigarette out on her armchair.

“I can’t keep up with these idiots. Last month Hunter [Biden] expanded his ‘art’ business from painting to paper mache sculptures. Problem is, they were made entirely out of classified intelligence reports he found around the house.”

“I haven’t had a day off in the last six years,” she continued.

Though it is clear the President or someone failed to protect classified information, it is not certain how to proceed in holding those responsible accountable for their actions. 


At press time, the Secret Service had tackled a cleaning lady who was using Top Secret documents from the bin Laden raid to wipe down windows and mirrors in the President’s Delaware home.