We don’t wanna say it’s aliens, buuuuuut…
Sources said they were disappointed this week after a leak of Top Secret military documents “didn’t even contain any of the good shit about aliens.”
“Seriously, this guy’s gonna go through all the trouble of leaking classified documents and not even include any of the juicy extraterrestrial stuff?” one Discord user complained. “Total fuckin’ boot move.”
The National Guardsman was arrested after authorities discovered classified information he posted to messaging app Discord. But an FBI search of his residence and computer found “no indications whatsoever” of evidence that would “inspire us to ponder more deeply our place in the universe.”
“Unfortunately, the only incriminating material we found was a few Top Secret files about Ukraine and a bag of weed,” said FBI spokesman Kurt Bummhauser. “Not one thing about aliens, faked moon landings, or any of the fun shit. Like, ooh, there’s a war in Ukraine? Big fuckin’ secret.”
Others were upset that this particular National Guardsman got all the credit when other amateur leakers are working hard day-in and day-out to spill classified information with no recognition.
“That wasn’t even the best classified material I saw on Discord that day,” said one Air Force scientist who requested to remain anonymous. “Sure, most of the other stuff is just lucky guesses, like the one about the Supreme Court being an ancient sex cult dedicated to furries, or the one about how we extracted the Founding Fathers’ DNA and cloned their minds to a server farm in Idaho where they’re currently coordinating global operations of the Illuminati. But guesses or not, they’re still the truth.”
As good as the amateur leaks on Discord, Reddit, and other online chat rooms are, the source said nothing can replace a good old-fashioned alien disclosure from a source on the ground.
“All of us with Top Secret clearances know that aliens exist. We’re just hoping the next guy that leaks something will include some of the cool stuff so we can finally talk about it,” the source said.
“Like how one alien survived the Roswell crash, is surprisingly humanoid, and has been working incognito as a middle manager at the Pentagon since 1949. Or how the United States has been communicating covertly with a civilization in the NGC 55 galaxy and the entire Internet is based on their technology, which also mostly contains porn.”
“This leak doesn’t even bring us one step closer to talking about that out in the open.”
Ultimately, this spillage has been another disappointment for the cleared community.
“You’d think he’d at least leak that picture of Nixon shaking hands with the Kzaarlactian ambassador on Xantor back in ‘72. But nope,” the anonymous source added. “This nerd is almost as lame as Snowden.”