Invoking military heroism, Congressman Santos pleads not guilty

Plans to chair Armed Services Committee, cure cancer

War hero, underwear model, motivational speaker and recently-elected congressman George Santos this week pled not guilty to federal charges of fraud and theft, stating in court that his long record of military service should indicate that he would never break the law.

“I wasn’t a space shuttle door gunner on Utah beach so I could stand by and watch POGs make up false claims against me,” Santos said, shirtsleeves rolled up to reveal a tattoo reading, “Sempers Lead the Fi” on one forearm.

Party leadership rallied around the longtime conservative stalwart.

“It is an absolute miscarriage of justice to see this proud combat veteran of The Great War, a man who has devoted his life to honor, integrity and courage, charged with lying and cheating his way to success,” said House Speaker Kevin McCarthy in a statement. “I am proud to support one of the nine Republicans through whom we retain a narrow congressional majority and my overwhelmingly supported speakership.”

Santos’ supporters welcomed the news as well.

“I met George Santos when he was campaigning outside a Kid Rock show,” said one constituent. “He told me how he won the Metal of Honor four times, once in each service, all while serving as the main DJ at Burning Man. With only 18.4% of our congresspeople being actual veterans, he’s the kind of action hero we need overseeing our military, fighting the Deep State Lizard People and keeping these woke generals in line.”