Everything We Learned From Tucker Carlson’s Vladimir Putin Interview

Former Fox News host Tucker Carlson recently interviewed Russian President Vladimir Putin for over two hours, discussing topics such as the war in Ukraine and the imprisonment of Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich. Here is a rundown of everything we learned from the conservative commentator’s controversial interview.

Carlson Was Drafted Into The Russian Infantry ~ You show up on Russian soil, you leave with a rifle in your hand.

That Putin Is One Chatty Cathy ~ Will really gab your ear off if you give him an hour or so.

Putin Is Capable Of Restraint ~ Not once during the interview did Putin call on his bodyguards to rough up Carlson, despite the host’s incredibly annoying demeanor.

Tucker Carlson Is A Victim Of Censorship ~ Much of his content is locked behind a paywall.

No Nudity ~ So don’t waste your time watching.

Putin Thought He Was Doing a True Crime Podcast ~ Wearing a My Favorite Murder–branded infinity scarf and repeatedly demanding to see Ashley Flowers, Putin was eager to talk through his three-ring binder full of information on the JonBenét Ramsey case.

It Is Really Hard To Watch Something That’s Two-And-A-Half Hours Long And Has Zero Explosions ~ This wasn’t addressed in the interview, or at least not in the 20 minutes we managed to get through.

Carlson Failed America By Refusing To Ask Putin About His Thoughts On Sexy M&M’s ~ The former Fox news reporter was clearly scared to ask the hard questions.

It Is Very Easy To Manipulate Elon Musk ~ Just call him “very smart” in public, and he’ll turn his whole business empire over to you without question.

Carlson Took 8th-Grade World History ~ His grasp of foreign policy issues is clearly the result of months of rigorous, middle-school-level study.

Russia Is Pregnant ~ Putin used the interview to break the blessed news that his nation was expecting twins in July.