Former president Donald Trump teased his top picks for vice president during a recent Mar-a-Lago fundraising event, according to gaudily-dressed sycophants in attendance.
“It’s a tough choice, very tough,” said Trump as he polished off a shrimp cocktail. “There are a lot of great candidates out there, they’re all begging me, ‘Please, Mr. President sir, pick me, pick me.’ But then these scientists—some say they’re mad, I don’t know—they showed me this tremendous monster and wow, I was blown away. He’s seven feet tall, so almost as tall as me but not quite, he’s got the green skin, stitches and the bolts in the neck, the whole thing. He’s a monster like you’ve never seen before and he is 100% MAGA, believe me. I’m still considering Tim, Kristi, a few others, but let me tell you, I’m leaning very heavily toward the behemoth.”
The creature’s creator revealed some details behind its origins.
“I am humbled and delighted that Mr. Trump is considering my abomination against nature and all that is holy to be his vice president,” said Dr. Josef Mengele III from his secret Argentinian jungle laboratory. “My team combined DNA from some of the most powerful and influential figures in history to construct the perfect Republican running mate. I won’t divulge the whole secret recipe here, but I can tell you that there’s a bit of Ghengis Khan in there, a dash of Vlad the Impaler, a pinch of Augusto Pinochet, and just a hint of you know who. You know, the mustache guy—wink wink.”
