All Copies of Trump’s Bible Recalled After It Was Found to Contain Nuclear Codes

Donald J. Trump’s ambition to become the nation’s leading Bible salesman hit a snag when the entire first printing of his $60 Holy Book was found to include stolen nuclear codes.

The error reportedly turned up in the Book of Genesis, a source familiar with the publication said, when “Noah is loading the animals onto the Ark and just starts shouting random numbers for no reason.”

The source struggled to explain how the classified codes wound up in Trump’s edition of the Scriptures, but added, “Generally when there’s a screwup this massive, Jared’s involved.”

“They were down at Mar-a-Lago, mashing up the Bible, the Pledge of Allegiance, Lee Greenwood lyrics, and other things that were lying around,” the source said. “Mistakes were made.”

According to the source, the recall of the Trump Bible is expected to “totally wipe out” the gains the indicted businessman made in the stock market last week and has rendered him “ketchup-throwing mad.”

“He’s furious that he has to take the nuclear codes out of the Bible,” the source said. “It’s the only part he’s read.”