WASHINGTON – Millions of fed-up Americans have petitioned the autonomous Danish territory of Greenland to purchase the 243-year-old waning superpower for better healthcare, democratic representation, and fewer international embarrassments. “Please, save us Greenland!” said Nora Blithe of Raleigh, North Carolina. “We’ll be your province or protectorate or whatever. I just need better healthcare coverage because my country doesn’t seem to care about me dying.” The petition, which already has garnered 158 million signatures, calls for the removal of helpless American institutions like the US Congress and the electoral college and replaced with Greenland’s multi-party legislature and a proportional representation voting system. “I find Premier Kim Kielsen has a more effective policy on gun control in a place where you actually need guns,” said Forest Abelman of Portland, Oregon. “Also, I don’t think the Premier called Jews disloyal to their religion if they didn’t vote for him, or referred to himself as the ‘Second Coming of God,’ so being Greenlandish sounds great to me!” At press time, the Government of Greenland has disappointed many Americans by rejecting a separate petition calling for President Donald Trump to be placed on one of its many melting glaciers.