Bible to be rebooted with all-female cast

Bestselling book, the bible, is to be reissued and told from a female perspective.

Donald Trump’s favourite storybook has traditionally been told from the point of view of different men wearing different kinds of sandals in the middle-east while speaking impeccable English.

“Well it’s time to knock the dust off,” beamed publishing agent and feminist, Rosie Williams.

“The bible is ripe for a retelling. It hasn’t been updated since Revelations, and that was something of a downer.

“Almost every single significant character has been portrayed by a man thus far, apart from Mary, but let’s be honest, who even remembers her?

“I’m confident that people will love our sassy team of female disciples and the calming influence of their leader, Jennifer Christ.

“We’ve had one or two complaints from church types, but last time I checked, the bible was never really about them.

“I might have only read the Genesis bit, but already it’s clearly more about gardens, and everyone knows ALL women LOVE gardens.

“If they want to, that is. We have a right to choose.”

Archbishop James Reynolds is less than happy.

“Mainly because I’m not allowed to have sex,” he confessed, “but also because of this book.

“Sometimes, men just did play a more significant role in history, and such is the case in the bible, which is definitely a history book. Yes it is, shut up.”

1 Timothy 2:12

Greek New Testament: “γυναικὶ δὲ διδάσκειν οὐκ ἐπιτρέπω, οὐδὲ αὐθεντεῖν ἀνδρός, ἀλλ᾽ εἶναι ἐν ἡσυχίᾳ”

Vulgate: “docere autem mulieri non permitto, neque dominari in virum, sed esse in silentio”

KJV: “But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.”

RSV: “I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent.”

GNB: “I do not allow them to teach or to have authority over men; they must keep quiet.”

NIV: “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.”

CEV: “They should be silent and not be allowed to teach or to tell men what to do.”

NASB: “But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet.”

NLT: “I do not let women teach men or have authority over them. Let them listen quietly.”

NET: “But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man. She must remain quiet.”

    You ever get the feeling that Christian women are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome?