US voters face daunting choice over which octogenarian they prefer to see declining into senility inside the White House

Voters are reportedly stocking up on anti-anxiety medication, not over the policies being debated, but over which candidate they prefer to observe gradually lose their faculties on the world’s most public stage.

Political analyst Chuck Williams has described the choice as “the ultimate dilemma.”

He went on, “It’s like choosing between two different brands of expired milk. One might make you slightly sicker than the other, but really, you just wish there was a fresh option available.”

Should Joe Biden secure a second term, he would spend the latter half of his presidency showcasing the inevitable wear and tear of time, potentially turning State of the Union addresses into bingo nights where he mistakes senators for his grandchildren.

Meanwhile, a re-elected Donald Trump promises a return to the White House with more energy, albeit the kind that makes him scream for one of his ex-wives when he inevitably forgets why he walked into a room.

In a country that prides itself on innovation and youth culture, the 2024 election stands as a stark reminder that when it comes to leadership, America prefers its candidates well-seasoned, with ‘sell-by dates’ taken as seriously as gun control.

“It’s a historic moment,” said one voter, “We’re deciding who gets to control the nuclear codes while potentially wandering into the street in their pyjamas looking for the house they lived in during the 70s.”

As the campaign trail heats up, Americans are left to ponder the existential question: which aging titan will best forget their promises and potentially their own names, right before our very eyes?

It’s a decision that weighs heavily on the US electorate, prompting many to ask if it’s possible to just lock them both away in a care home and let them think they’re president.

Both camps have yet to comment on the concerns regarding the age of their candidates, presumably because they’ve already forgotten the question.